. . . .

When you're not here, I miss you, I crave you.

I didn't want to fall this far, but it seems I have... and I almost want to hate it because I'm afraid of the rejection..

I want to crawl back in bed with you...

Maybe it's best that I do not.

Never there

I never post on here anymore,

though I should just because it'd be a release from the current stress that I bottled up.

Mike came back into my life. Though that put two other guys on the sidelines. One I rarely talk to now because I know he's dealing with his own problems, which I respect his solitude, though I find myself still smitten with him... The other constantly tries so hard for my attention, and I ignore it, because I would give everything to be completely Mike's again.

4 and a half weeks ago I was in a horrible car accident, I don't exactly remember it, but it keeps flashing in and out of my thoughts, and almost brings me to tears. I was driving on the express way going between 60 and 65 miles an hour and the car in front of me comes to a swerving hault and I missed the break... Needless to say I rear-ended the mini van in front of me. I totaled my honda. I can't remember the actual crash, what I remember is the bumper car feeling. I also remember holding my hands up after the airbag, I remember instantly shaking.

The woman in the mini fan was so comforting. My first thought wasn't about my well being, but rather I was thinking about how pissed off my dad was going to be knowing that I wreck my car. As I wrote that tears came to my eyes because I remember so vividly about how upset with me he was going to be.

The officer was so kind to me, he knew I was upset about the accident. I kept repeating that it was all my fault, that it was because I didn't have enough clear distance between us. The officer kept asking if I was hurt, I could careless about my being at this point I was more upset about what my dad was going to say, plus my adrenaline was pumping at an all time high. My car was picked up and towed to a local gas station where I waited for my parents to pick me up which wasn't long. I remember my mom just hugging me saying everything's alright.

Though I did suffer injuries. My face suffered a 2nd degree burn across my nose. bruise from my left shoulder accross my body where my seatbelt held me. My left arm was labeled with burns starting at my thumb on up to my bicep. Those were majorly 1st degree burns, but on my forarm I had a huge oval of a bubbling blistering 2nd degree almost 3rd degree burn, you can thank the air bag for those burns. I even had a C shaped burn on my stomach. I also somehow banged up my knee, to this day is in pretty bad shape, they tell me I moved my knee cap out of place.

Though, what I most feared of how my dad felt, he simply hugged me and told me accidents happen, a car can be replaced but you cannot be.

Though I did have to go to the E.R. the x-ray technician talked medically and she made me feel better..

That's whats been a stress on my mind..

Though now I'm rolling in a newer honda accord..

Love this Pain.

She's no good for me
I know that she's a wild flower
She's got a restlessness
A beautifulness, a thing about her
But here I am again calling her back
Letting her drive me crazy

It's like I love this pain a little too much
Love my heart all busted up
Something 'bout her, we just don't work
But I can't walk away
It's like I love this pain

It's just an on again
And off again situation
It's just striking a match
A tank of gas combination
But here I am again lighting it up
Knowing that she'll just burn me

-- Love this Pain By Lady Antebellum

I felt like this was all too fitting for the way I'm feeling right now. I tend to find song lyrics to better express myself.

My most difficult question yet is, Why do we want the ones that hurt us? or Ignore us? There's someone out there that I really like, and want to pursue a better relationship with. Right now I know he's dealing with his own sorrows, but I'm doing what I should never want to do... Heal the pain. I could see myself falling head over heals for this guy.

He told me last night that he saw the note I left for him, and it made him smile...

"Love.. It wants to heal you."

Love does want to heal you, and I want to give it.

I gave him space after I wrote that note, I wasn't avoiding him, in terms I was giving him and myself space.

"Baby, baby stay, stay right where you are, I like it this way, it's good for my heart"

I did come to terms for awhile, tried moving on, but just recently he came back around.

He's to visit me soon. I do hope he comes.

I have no idea that after three dates in terms, that I'm just so smitten with him.

So why do we want the ones that ignore us....? We'll see how I feel tomorrow evening..

Until then I'm living on Hope and Faith... and maybe Love.

Anatomy of a Workaholic.

Workaholic [wurk-uh-haw-lik] - Noun -

A person who works compulsively at the expense of other pursuits.

or

A person obsessively addicted to work.

We all complain about work, by why is it that someone who hates doing work so much, can become a workaholic, not wanting to stop work for other things?

If you google 'workaholic' things like " how to not be a workaholic" or " why being a workaholic is unhealthy"pops up on the search screen. But what is so bad about working hard?

Being a workaholic can come from a fews things, like, the high you get after getting a lot done, and getting it done right the first time. Or just pushing yourself to work hard so you don't have time to sit and think about what else is going on. Or the fact that they procrastinated far too long on a project so then now its time to do nothing but work.

Being a workaholic damages relationships with others, causes the depression, stress, high blood pressure, over-eating, and malnutrition. From what it seems, all negative effects. What if working is like a drug to you, you get a high from the completion of work, and getting a lot done?But then again, in the end, what drug is good for you? None.

There's something about juggling three jobs, and completing them all within their own deadlines that gives me statisfaction. Also the more your focused on your job the less you have time to think about things that bother you. The less time you have to think about waiting for a text message, or the less time you have to sit and worry about the next move.

There's something about work that makes you feel better, because your not thinking about the bad things in life, your focusing on the now, what needs to be done. It's amazing how numb work can make you feel. It's amazing how feeling so numb can give you the answers you want, but give it time, the answers come later, after hours of working.

Maybe being a workaholic isn't so bad, just because you're not being lazy, your working, in terms towards an answer.

It's Alright

Recently I've been blogging random thoughts more than normal, some haven't been posted, but should be deleted.

Life has dished me a full plate... I have my jobs, I have school coming up, Health issues, I have two charity events coming up, and money is always an issue on the back of my mind

Lets start with the money aspect... You'd think I'd never care about money seeing how well off my family is, the fact that my parents try to pay for everything for me. But I'm trying to make my own independence. Saving money, leaping at chances to work more to get more. Recently my work ethic has jumped from decent, to lets not stop working, work til its broken, just like my dad. A work ethic like that is a good thing to have... Sometimes. At the end of june, I joined Initial Outfitters, which is pretty much a jewelry and whatever accessories a woman could want, and personalizes them. Well on a 250 dollar party I can make 75 dollars. Which isn't bad for putting 2.5 hours of work into a party. Money gives you status, and right now, I want to build my own up.

School.... I haven't told my mother yet that I've changed to an education major to become a science teacher. I can't even imagine the disappointment that my mother will have in me. I'll probably cry when I do break down and tell her. But for the time being I'll pretend to still be a pre- med major.

My Health isn't great. I take vitamins all the time. But My hearing is going. I get sick often. Blood work getting done . I have a second degree sprain on my left ankle, which has hindered a lot of my working out. I should have just pushed through the pain. But I'm too much of a wuss to deal with the pain.

Of course there's a boy that weighs into the stress, but I'm learning to just leave it be. If he wanted me he'd make the effort. I don't need to be chasing pavements that lead nowhere. In terms. I feel like I'm digging myself a grave on him, yes there is the age difference... 7 years. At first I was wasn't sure about him, kept him away, but recently man recently I've just fallen for him. And I feel like I may just be setting myself up to getting hurt.

As for the charity events, drama... drama... stress.. drama.. is pretty much how it goes. Yes it's for a great cause for the children's miracle network, for the cancer society, and for the humane society. It's all for my best friend. This event was suppose to take place on Jul 31st, of selling books and clothing and other items at a low price to get cheap easy money for those charities. But because of lack of effort I guess, we failed to get a hall in time to actually make that happen. So July 31st, is a minor selling day, but mainly a collect day. And the selling day would be either september 18th or 25th, and I'm like, I'm at school, ontop of school I have Initial Outfitters, homework, studying, and the possibility of a boyfriend during the school year. I didn't plan on drawing this out... And its frustrating.

I'm being patient. God has a plan for me. He'll put things in my path to make me stronger for what I'm mean to do in this life.

And I confide in him...

Dear Sir,

Well The silence has driven me crazy....

But in the end, I'm digging myself a grave, and falling for you sir, yes...

I hope things come together..

The Truth of September 27th, 2009

Recently I've caught wind of how there is such a huge grudge against me for ruining this day.

But Let me tell you, I'm so glad I now know I ruined your day, as I had planned from the beginning.

When I found out you got engaged, in 2008, I still hated you from stealing my Horse, MY horse, then sold him to that 16 year old at the time, just to be cool with her. And she killed him, so there was no chance in hell I could ever get him back. You say horses are your life and how you ride so often, but you wouldn't understand the VALUE of that horse to me. Plus your far too obese to ride, or even afford to find a horse to carry you.

At first I would refuse to have anything to do with your wedding, I didn't even want to be there on the day. And that was when I decided I would make sure I ruined your wedding day. Karma, you took something special from me, I'm going to ruin the 'special' day. Karma.

After a few arguements with my mother about it, I agreed to be in the wedding party. Then after your friend Sara bailed on you a friend, I became maid of Honour, the most horrible position in the world.

You did me wrong.

Yes whenever something needed to be found, I found it, used mother's credit card to buy it for you, or for whatever, I spent more work on your wedding than you did. Maybe not if you count thinking about it.

I put together your bridal shower, I stayed away because I cannot stand groups like that. Plus it was you at the center of attention, which you LIVE for. I was perfectly fine staying away from you.

I went back to college for a month before the wedding. School got tough immediately, it's not easy being a pre medicine major. Stress got me. My roommate at the time had mental problems.

When I retuned home for the wedding weekend, My second home, Findlay, had turned into a huge mess. During the Rehersal dinner, I had to rush home to finish an important anatomy online quiz, which, I got a 20 something percent on, which just crushed me, I wanted to cry. So I had that weighing on my mind. She says she made a whole long speech thanking me, it was only 30 second long before she moved on. She got all the bridesmaids the same gift, I deserved more than what she gave me I wasted my time on her wedding, and all I get is a five dollar necklace, a stupid head scratcher, and a photo frame? Awesome. I did get upset about her not thanking me enough for doing about 60% of her wedding stuff even though my mom asked me to do it.

I got my hair done first on the big day, I don't remember why, I just did. She was walking in as I was walking out. She claims I ignored her, but I didn't she acted like a diva and ignored me. Plus I had the weight of that failed anatomy quiz on my mind. I just remember thinking ' how am I going to make it to med school if I can't pass an online quiz?'

When ever I get upset about school, I want to be left alone, I want to be in bed.

Then the bridesmaids made fun of some of things I did for them, like the necklaces "didnt match" or "the pew bows are ugly" and I shot through the roof, I hid away from everybody in the church, I wanted nothing to do with them. I wanted to go back to Findlay. But turns out, that wouldn't have been a great idea.

The wedding went through, pictures were alright, thoughout the whole wedding I remember just thinking about that quiz, running over the questions, the only question I remember to this day is ' during the cell life cycle, DNA replicates during what cycle?' I was still made at her for not being more grateful for all the work I did to make this day even happen.

In the limo, I got a text from my roommate, jsut going of on me for telling people she was moving out, then soon after student services called me saying what was going on. About 25 texts from my roommate saying I was a crazy bitch, when I had been nothing but nice to her. except for the one time I was bossy and told her to be quiet. But I was told by student services that she had to be moved out of our dorm because she was cosnidered UNSAFE to live in a dorm, meaning she could go psycho. Turns out that 6 months later she was dismissed from the university because she did go psycho, and I was warned by student services for my own safety at that time.


I was upset that my second home was under fire, I didn't know what was going on, I wanted it fixed. And nobody, except for Sarah was there to hear me out. My parents didn't want to hear it. Because just the night before When I snapped, my mom told me to put my priorities right, and I told her I put school first. And the next day, my school life turned upside, down and when I wanted to get that fixed, I was called psycho by my own parents because I didnt want anything to do with my sister and her day. I yelled at her when she arrived at the reception, calling her a selfish, self-centered whore. I stayed until 930, and then I left.

I went home, read all the emails Findlay had sent me. I didn't talk much to my parents the next day. But I delveloped a hate for my sister.

She holds a grudge to me, I hold one even bigger to her. In march, I had to attend a seminar that was for 3 days about coping. Turns out it was about getting past the anger in your life. Anger consist of Two things being mad and being upset, which can tear apart your mind, and leave you in a mess. And I agree with that. The first night was addressing what made your angry, why it made you angry, then it opened you up to that anger again, to the point where it felt so fresh the fire was burning.The Second day was about how upset and unhappy with it you were. Every time my sister was my reasons. By the end of the night everyone in that room was crying. On the final day it was closure, ways to get past this hatred and anger. If it had to do money wise, or use wise, you were to write out a recipe for your work done or what was taken from you. I wrote everything down, and the total came to about a thousand dollars, that I feel like my sister owes me. But the way to get that back is every good thing she does or whenever she stays away take a dollar off. And slowly you will forget and move on. I have moved on, I will never forgive her for what she has taken from me, or done to me.

She has run my giving well dry, nor will she ever use it again when it is filled again.

I have moved on, now it's her turn to stop lying about what happened, and realise she did me wrong the whole time. But I don't care anymore, I'll use her like a dish rag when I can.


I hope Karma hits you hard Ashley, I do.